Some of my thoughts about coping with situations, my emotions, my knee jerk reactions, and what not; my finances, consumerism, and owner-consumer markers; all and much more are based on the principles of middle-class mentality.
But of late, I am observing a lot of changes in the class mentality that makes me wonder on what purchasing power is welded with little-to-no-clue about the consequences in the seemingly progressive society. I think most of us are like that in our daily life and in our lives’ choices. Making a calculated and decisive choice are slowly taken over by third party opinions from total strangers which react than proactively participate.
Two days back, I woke up at 1 am and began pottering around the kitchen since I was unable to go back to sleep. I took up clearing, cleaning, and organising the kitchen for the day; while being in deep contemplation on the issue of choice. After a while, I was surfing the LinkedIn which is almost my only social media channel that I am active in. That is when, I came across an article by a friend, The Pervasive Loneliness of Autism by Hari Srinivasan (Read article here)
There were some serious choices that I had to make in life, in which I was my sole guide and guidance with the strongest support from my personal god. I chose to end a relationship, I chose to keep people at a distance, I chose to stay in a place, now all these choices were taken deliberately not due to cohesive influence.
I am not unhappy, but I feel lonely when burning all bridges without any seeming regrets. Yet in this choice is loneliness! But, I find deeper truths that provides me the intelligence to carry on alone. Though I might not be in want for anything essential, yet I knew the choices will lead me to my current situation in life. Yet in the process, I get to learn about myself and learn from personal and professional experiences and choices.
But the feeling of loneliness is not a new emotion for me! I have been contending with this emotion a part of my personality, for a long time, almost since puberty. The feeling of being amidst a crowd and not feeling any connect with anyone seems a familiar emotion, almost a quintessential character trait in me.
I can fake an extroverted personality, but I know that I am not myself when I talk cheerfully. The artificiality later becomes a killer on hindsight. Though I am most willing to listen in to people, while I can hold a long silence and still I can equally do a chatterbox to glee.
After making those hard choices, initially, there were some confusions, whether I could hold out and not buckle because of social pressures. Thankfully, I didn’t and neither did I chose to be as per social norms which means you will be left alone to take care of your business. In this life, my choices were based on the middle-class principles that I grew up with during my formative years.
As time progressed, I found myself incorporating other class’ principles too, while looking to find a fine balance for my basic influx of preferences. I prefer Middle Class mindset more than any other. But I also know that I do not fall into the category of self-employed entrant making a comfortable living.
My siblings may not agree with me on my multiple thought points. I am not worried by that hurdle in life. I believe that individuals have a right to hold an opinion until they understand it differently. If something or a choice doesn’t feel right, I refrain from going ahead with the decision making. In this process, if I become someone’s non-priority, I feel I have to just live with it.
Of late, I have been experiencing the sense of dejection and disappointment that has been more a virtual digital world variety. Certain social media create these feeling of discomfort and distress. With the increasing need and despondency, I feel the need to go on a digital fasting to re-attach myself to the most essential real world surrounded by real humans.
I am not frivolous with making such frail connect, yet if all the connects are outside your physical presence, then naturally the dependency on those red and white numbered dots become a desperate need and a wild search. When the addiction hits a high then, it takes on the marking of being totally lacking social and real-life activity and both being a deficiency in the person’s life!
Messages left for people who do not respond even for what you may consider an emergency that makes one feel a little ignored. I am sure, the message is not that important since the latest trend is to panic for anything and everything due to the growing anxiety syndromes found in over stressed human beings. Where understanding is faced with disregard and indifference, then a person with weak mindset would assume as if they are alone and lone in the world. Such a self-created deep dilemma is detrimental for the person’s emotional health.
But there are positive sides to such indifference when seen with the intention to make the right choices. The person could learn to be indifferent to people who ignore them and find new ways to cope with being ignored virtually in the digital world. But then, what is the real gripe, in this situation? They did not respond to the message or the person for whom a response is needed did not respond and this induces an sense of impatience. This is again a self-induced meeting improbable requirement that sets the emergency requirement that is an illusion.
The fact that digital world is trying to replace real people with machines comes with its own ridiculous insight of where we are heading together as a humanity!!? Maybe, we should start programming the opposite of what we are at present. Then, we might end up obese and inactive as in the movie ‘Wall-e’ (2008).
I love to spend time in solitude, and I like the fact that I step away from the pressures of daily living, and experience doing things at my pace. The artificially created sense of urgency that I experienced for more than a couple of years, is left behind me. I take up project that I am truly interested, and my reward is the joy of being involved in something that I consider important, and not something that is made important for-profit making!
Due to this choice, if I turn out to be a social eccentric, then, so be it! At least, I am not unhappy of my choices. I know it is a conscious choice to do the best that can be done in the given situation, while moving forward with my personal choices. So, I no longer look out for thumbs up for my posts in LinkedIn or other social media. It is a personal choice that means to send out sound signals into the empty spaces and hoping echoes of response from the universe would be profound. That is when I am interested to know what sound we make in the emptiness of our soul?!!
Itinerant Storyteller 