I would not claim that I thought of this topic. But, if the question rises if it has been festering in the privacy of my mind, then it would mean; I must answer it with a resounding Yes!
Today’s morning reading was the newsletter Sanity by Journalist Tanmoy. As a part of Tanmoy’s classic pieces on asking for personal space becoming taboo topic; it has both west and east perspectives.
Moving parenting habits from Independence as a voluntary isolation leading the way to depression or choice of collective interdependence of oppression. The article forges the need for a more balanced coping mechanism.
While Tanmoy’s points on how the west and the east specifically India, view Personal Space is well documented. His bold description on life in a Mohalla with crazy deficiency in the living space and cramped existence draws out awe of Indian living standards.
The Koli that he speaks of is more Mumbai scenario which is applicable all over India. The difference being the language spoken and some community-based approved ideologies.
Shut Doors and My Time
I agree that while growing as a child in a middle-class conservative Brahmin family there is no personal space or tantrum for space. I grew up more rebellious due to so many restrictions.
The fact that I never really learned how to co-exists with other without harbouring any resentment towards my oppressors who were my family. So, constant guilt tripping over having resentful thoughts became festering untreated wound in my psyche.
I encountered shut door when the head of the patriarch with the loudest voice on any issues of the family had the privilege to shut the door and draw boundaries where none existed for rest of the family.
Then, of course it was for personal comfort reasons which was the air conditioner need shut room. I, for one who always believed that there is no such thing as personal room and all was communal rooms.
Encroaching into another person’s space without permission and more as a demand was the natural order of life in a low income and no dynasty inheritance-based family. Though I must say that middle-class family’s ideologies are conservative and cautious planning and execution of daily life. The multiple stories of various metros have a different angle to the ideologies they held.
Tanmoy’s work was a broad stroke of the brush that painted the Indian cities. The generalisation did not prevent the truth of our family rules in a pan-India view.
Unrestricted Visitation Rights
Visitors in India do not need to inform beforehand. My short stay in US taught me you need to call and figure out their availability and limit for their tolerance of your stay. I am aware of this more from my personal experiences in Chennai.
When I was the witness to family members visiting our home are welcome visitors at any time of the day or night. These created resentments because the visitor felt entitled to be entertained while encroaching into personal spaces.
This began with my staying in the shut room to avoid visitor since I could not hold a civil tongue in self-control. These moments of being alone in my space and doing things that pleased me while refusing to interact with other family members became a norm for me.
Visitors Banned Themselves
Festering thoughts of personal hurts and emotional excess resulted in the breakdown and our branch of family was the first to have a person struggling with mental disorder. Though I strongly feel that what happens to the mind after long standing oppression of being free and constant thought of caged bird.
This reminds me for Maya Angelou’s book “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings,” partly the reason why I love poetry is, that in a prose piece, I cannot lie, but in a poem, I can hide anything. The reader if not sensitive will be none the wise in discovering the actual emotions of the poet.
I hide behind my mental ailment diagnosed in 2003. I have found relative peace by this forced isolation. The interesting thing is that I enjoy being by myself and having the company of books, online newsletters, writing blogs and various other independent activities that I am capable and able to do.
But the negative effort is that humans are social animals even though we are on the top tier of the survival pyramid. So, this isolation makes me socially ill-at-ease. The lack of a social circle though not missed but to connect with another like-minded person becomes a taboo by self-creation of isolation.
Read a Lot of Self-Help Books
I remember beginning my reading list from Norman Vincente Pearle’s “The Power of Positive Thinking.” Jiddu Krishnamurthy whose words moved my intellectual mind and I felt a sense of balance.
So, the fact that I shifted from actual human company to company of dead and living writers, poets, and essayist turned my outlook in life. I still find it difficult to have a conversation with anyone. Even my counsellor who have sessions with on a regular basis.
The fact that people who don’t help me grow made no sense talking to in real-life. That might be the arrogance that I carry as dead carcass on my shoulder as a personal responsibility of mine.
Take-away from Tanmoy’s Newsletter
When I read this article, I had a lot of ah ha click moments. Most of the current Self-Help and Self-Development has a line that is getting popular in modern psychology. How to set boundaries and reacquiring your personal space.
The fact that no amount of reading Self-help books, Scriptures in English translation, or listening in to podcast on personal changes has helped in solving the pre-existing issue of poor social skills.
Take a piece of advice by Steven R Covey in his book titled “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” there is a need for a paradigm shift in the social approach to the existing social condition and we need to figure out the best coping mechanism.
After all the whole point of evolution is for humankind to progress from survivalist to co-existentialist. The various schools of thoughts that have addressed issues in the individual and in the individual within the boundaries of social setting, is still developing and upping their games.
Source: Sanity Newsletter by Tanmoy
Itinerant Storyteller 